I don't know how things start. I also don't have a clue how things end. And the middle bit is the worst.
As I sit here guessing how to write a blog, I can see that there is 176 days left till the Edinburgh Fringe, the worlds biggest arts festival...I am terrified. To make it worse, a fly has just landed on my unpeeled banana.
In the world of British stand up, that is all anyone bangs on about. Are you doing Edinburgh? Is this your first hour? Why are you doing 40 minutes you cheat?!!!
Last year was the first time I had been up to Edinburgh alone. I decided I would do a 40 minute show to bridge the gap between jumping from 20 minutes to 60. I had all these amazing ideas, I would try a new 10 minutes out every day, I would push myself into creative realms that I wouldn't be allowed to do in a typical weekend club...I made a countdown list of how many days I had to do it in...103...87...81...50. Yeah let's start at 50. 50 days to write 40 minutes. That is a minute a day and then 10 days off to go to an aquarium or whatever it is that grown ups do.
It is safe to say that I didn't write a minute a day. Over those 50 days I probably wrote about 10 minutes. I went to Edinburgh, cobbled together a "show" using bits I have spent the past 3 years writing, it went amazingly and yet again...I got away with it.
But not this time. No way am I doing that this time around. This year is important, it is my debut hour...and it is going to cost me so much money...money that I don't have. If things go well, I could end up on the telly or performing at lovely gigs or even being on ITV's Celebrity Squares (which I thought was a programme about boring celebrities...it is not. Its actually pretty good).
So I printed off a countdown calendar with 200 days to go till Edinburgh. Then arrived at this moment (so put it off for 24 days...which is enough time to heal a small bone), and now there are 176 days to go. Actually 172, but 176 sounds better.
176 days to go, and I don't know how to start. How am I expected to create a show? Become producer, director, editor, performer, sound tech, sound design, PR, promoter and tea lady? I am just a lad who grew up on a council estate in Manchester and I am definitely not qualified.
Tough. I chose to do it, but I find every time I sit down to write something better comes along. Those coasters need straightening up, the dishwasher needs filling (dishwasher = sink) or I should probably watch another episode of something on Netflix, after all...I do deserve a treat!
A day goes by, another day goes by. 171, 170, 169...
I need to stop procrastinating and just start. So welcome to my journey on how I go about creating my very first hour of stand up.
But before I start...I should probably go and wash this banana.