I am writing this with only one contact lens in my head...that information has no purpose in this blog, but it is nice to set the scene.
The other one, has made my eye go all red...my right eye, if you were wondering.
So. One hundred and twenty one days to go. This is almost a landmark, because tomorrow there are about 4 months left.
"4 MONTHS...TO WRITE AN HOUR OF STUFF!!! THAT IS A PIECE OF PISS MATE" said every drunk man at every gig I have ever done...ever.
It always confuses me when audience members don't understand how hard it is to write a joke. I don't mean like getting a cat out of a tree hard, or an adult entertainers genitals hard...although I bet it would make everyones life easier if you clubbed those last two things together.
But normal men people don't seem to understand that writing a joke, a bit, a chunk for the stage is very different to sitting around a quiz machine in a pub telling a 4 minute joke which ends in the word 'Paki'.
Now I don't know why it is so hard to club together a new punchy 5 minutes of gold on the wonderful people of Pakistan, but writing solid bits is hard...well it is for me.
I think it is because I always want it to come out perfect, and if it doesn't first time...BYE MATE. That joke is gone. It is also about matching my 'voice'...not my northern drawl...but my view on the world, and a few years in, I am still even trying to find that.
I would love to be one of those brilliant comics who can just go on a riff...maybe I need to push myself and do it, just take a topic on stage and talk talk talk...although the first and last time I did that, I died so bad, I ended up crying on the living room floor in front of my parents...21st January 2014, lest we forget!
Now, since being on the other side of the world, I decided to bite the bullet and do 'Set List'...a show where random topics will come up on a screen and you have to make up a routine on it, on the spot. The first time was so scary, so so scary, and it went surprisingly well, so well that I got asked back.
6 goes later, I was in my element, making up brand new things, things that were inventive and creative, funny and non racist...apart from the one topic which came up as "Sorry Dinosaurs" and I panicked and said when the meteors wiped out the dinosaurs, it was very much the same as when the Australian people got rid of its indigenous folk.
That freedom to play, is what is missing...it is one of the many fears I have about writing this show.
But what frightens me most is...there are 121 days...I have to write 60 glorious minutes...that is 30 seconds a day, with 1 day off for my Mum's birthday. 30 seconds a day...now come on, that should be fine, 30 seconds, 30 seconds is nothing, well it is not, it is 30 seconds.
But I reckon if I get my head down, really focus, and do 30 seconds a day, I could have my hour long Islamabad routine ready for my toothless mates down the pub.